I'm not "Just Shopping"

I’m not “Just Shopping” if I’m doing one of these things (in order of Increasing Hellishness):

Trying on Jeans
Trying on Shape-wear
Trying on Bras

And the Ultimate Spark of Self-Loathing: Trying on Swimsuits

This is not the type of shopping of which I speak.

Let’s make no mistake here. On the rare days I make a trip to the mall after work to get-er-done without kids’ distractions on some necessities, I am not frolicking about. Rather, it’s more like an extension of the workday. (For the record, rare = 1x every 4 months or so).

I kind of think most guys really can’t even begin to imagine the agony for many women that is shopping for these items. Let me try to break it down easy for you, because, loving husbands, boyfriends, fathers and brothers: I really do know what I’m talking about.

First off, if you fall outside the “average” height or weight ranges (or in the case of Bras, Band/Cup sizes), the difficulties of finding great-fitting off-the-rack items is considerably narrowed. Even when a woman utilizes a “specialty” size store/boutique, options are usually limited in style, and the prices definitely reflect the “At least it fits you! Be thankful and pay up!” mentality.

And no, Good Sirs, I am going to force you (errr, persuade you) to realize that I’m not just giving a veiled reference to the now-average women, who fall into the “plus size” category. As a “petite” woman, I've experienced much the same difficulties with size/fit, but usually in the opposite direction of the now fairly well-advocated plus size market.

So here’s a little image for you of what I’m speaking of when I liken the efforts of shopping for one of the above items to acute, dehumanizing torture.  I’ll even put it in a handy 10-point list!

The Average "Non-Average" Woman's Guide to Shopping:

1.    You enter your typical department store’s section devoted to the product, or perhaps a specialty store. Congratulations!, now you have to begin navigating the “Selection”.

2.    Let’s talk about said Selection.  You wander about, - from the outside, seemingly in an oasis of potential purchasing bliss -  scanning the spread to see what the style differences are. Well, depending on the product, this might not be terribly obvious based upon the item’s style name or product line. Even the occasional extra note or two on the item tag may not be too helpful.

Here’s some real examples:

Levi’s Women Jeans:

Classic Rise Slight Curve Straight Jeans
Modern Rise Slight Curve Straight Jeans
Modern Rise Demi Curve Straight Jeans
Classic Rise Demi Curve Straight Jeans
Classic Rise Bold Curve Straight Jeans
Modern Rise Bold Curve Straight Jeans
Modern Rise Supreme Curve Straight Jeans
Modern Rise Supreme Curve Straight Jeans

This is just a portion of what they offer under the website's header path Jeans > Straight Cut.  By comparison, the Men’s similar path leads to:

501® Original Fit Jeans, 501® Original Shrink-to-Fit™ Jeans , or  505™ Straight Fit Jeans.

I’m not sure the second one even counts officially as a different style version.
So you can see I’m not BS-ing you here, people!

3.     You optimistically choose “a couple” potential styles (read: dressing room limit reached). OK, now it’s time to look for your size…. Oh, not available in the wash (aka color) you want… OK, just choose something to check the size. That’s right. Even though I already own this brand, the size changes its actual measurements randomly. So, grab one size up, one size down, too…

4.    Continuing with Jeans as our example product... Thanks to the close-fitting nature of women’s clothing, it’s not usually readily apparent if something fits or not. So you endure several ego-stomping moments of the smallest size (or your “current size”) not fitting.  It may practically pull your undergarments off upon removal. Jumping up and down to pull the pants up also usually is a bad sign. The ones that slide right on? Oh, there’s a 4 inch gap at the waist. Super attractive. Oh that was only one size up? Grrrr.

5.    Insert multiple re-dressings, returning of merchandise to the floor, re-scanning of the selection, waiting for a dressing room, taking clothes off again, doing the dressing room shimmy, etc. If you made the mistake to wear non-slip-on shoes or bottoms with complicated closures, etc, so much more the fun and time consumption! About now, you’re getting pissed you wore a sweater or brought your jacket into the store, because the dressing room is getting really hot. And don’t even talk to me about what my hair is doing (that is not a hot mess) and how my makeup is starting to look a little on the runny/shiny side.

[[Insert Public Service Announcement:
Just give it up and go home if you are wearing the following and your shopping would necessitate said item’s removal:
Turtleneck shirts
Skinny jeans + Knee boot combo
Pencil Skirts
Skirt/dress with tricky zippers
Panty hose (unless it would be worn with what you’re shopping for)
End PSA]]

6.    Finally find a size/color combination in stock- but only after competing with women who act oblivious and block you from the merchandise, and receiving several annoyed glares by the store employee if you even slightly disturb the folded merchandise stacks. (BTW - I’ve been there. I worked retail every summer and winter for 4-5 years, and am well-acquainted with the occasional asshat customer who leaves the place a complete wreak!)

7.    Proceed to purchase your items. It’s apparently it’s the only one excluded from the sale, or coupon, or whatever. Yay. Pay full price anyway, feeling slightly suckered, but knowing there were really no alternatives.

8.    Show item to male friend/significant other and receive a “Huh? I thought what you already had was fine.” (It has holes in it or is stained.) or “You should have gotten a little bit darker color.” (They didn’t have it in my size.) Sigh, disregard their input.

But wait! The process is not complete.

9.     Wear new item. If fit from the dressing room holds up upon extended wear (a.k.a. One Day), or the wash doesn’t suddenly transform your purchase into something else, you have a sense of relief that Epic Jeans Shopping Trip 20XX may truly be at an end. Oh, did the jeans end up sliding off your butt as you walked, losing its shape throughout the day? Oh, did your legs randomly seem to lose circulation midday or your midsection feel severed while sitting after a meal? Please return to Step One, but go to the Bonus Round, should you choose to accept! Otherwise...

10.     El Fin. Enjoy your new perfect (aka passable) purchase! Don’t gain/lose any weight/get pregnant, because blink and you’ll be back to where you started! Fast forward 2 years and note that laying this brand’s exact size and cut (if still available) onto a “new” version will likely show these are completely different products! Oh outsourcing, quality control, general lack of women’s sizing standards - take your pick!  Thanks for playing, please see Step One.

**BONUS ROUND**

Your ill-fated (and ill-fitting) purchase not going to cut it? Money doesn’t grow on trees for you? Do you demand satisfaction?

If you made your purchase online, get ready for some mail-return fun! A few companies have made this semi-painless, but the vast majority will punish you heavily. Many will take around a month to process your return/exchange, will assuredly ask you to pay return postage, may ask you to pay original postage if shipping was free, may have “restocking fees”, and may even demand you return using only a specific carrier (whose drop off points may or may not be convenient to you). All within a time limit of 3 days (actual experience)!

So that’s why with some brands and merchandise types, I simply can’t join the internet wardrobe shopping revolution. Hateful though it still is, in-store returns usually are a tad better.

Speaking of in-store returns: Some stores have become increasingly stringent on this, lessening return times to only a week or two, with receipt, etc. If you are dealing with a more typical return at a larger store, usually as long as the tags are attached, or the store will handle exchanges for defective merchandise (with receipt!) - you are pretty much good to go. Just haul yourself back to the store: the individual employee making the return will make this seamless or a nightmare that can escalate into a full chain-of-authority summons store-wide for authorization, etc, etc.  Return denied or complete, please return to Step One, likely at a whole new shopping center even further from your home!

So you see, my loving male friends, this really is no “day at the mall” dreamy jaunt. It’s a downright torturous Journey into Some Circle of Hell!

If I have to push those bitches away from the Size 6, Indigo, Classic Rise Demi Curve Straight jeans one more time...

I spared you the description of Bra/Swimsuit/Shapewear shopping. Add definite insult-to-injury when you have salesladies measuring you, tisk-tisking about how you don’t fill out the cups right (or runneth over) for the band sizes, why this doesn’t lay flat or etc., touching you and jabbing you here/there, reporting that they don’t even carry your exact measured size…

So hun, thanks again for watching the kids the other night while I just “went shopping”… but let’s not have any misconception over what I was doing or how much fun I was having while the kids threw peas across the room or dropped chicken nuggets to the dog!